It's been a very bizarre and uncomfortable week. Monday was all stress and anxiety going into Tuesday's euth appointment, Tuesday was obviously all-around miserable despite the enjoyment and final memories that we shared together, and Wednesday and Thursday have been empty and sad and confusing for me. You don't realize how often something is in your subconscious thought until you have to stop and correct yourself every time you think about it. For example: we weaned our two little babies yesterday on the farm, and I caught myself thinking about what Gogo's babies would be like. Or watching a horse on the AquaTread, I thought about wanted to put her on it again with regularity. Or getting off work early, I automatically head in the direction of the barn like I did every day to go see her after work. It's still very much a state of denial and shock for me. Writing is very therapeutic, so I'm glad I have somewhere to exercise it a little bit.
I know it was just as hard for me to deal with the last two deaths of my horses, but for whatever reason, it's just different this time for me. I'm a bit older and far more mature than I was when I lost the last two (I was 19 and 21 at the times, and am now 26), and am in a completely different place in my life. When Quincy died, I already had Metro to turn to for support and company. When Metro died, I immediately jumped in and began my search for a new horse right away - it helped me heal in a lot of ways, and gave me something to direct all my energies towards instead of fretting about losing my friend. Now, I'm in a place where I'm just not quite ready yet to seriously begin looking for a new horse. The grieving process is different. It's not about completely distracting myself from my grief this time, it's about fully embracing and accepting it. It's about immersing myself in the memories I have of her, and mourning for the fact that I won't be able to share any more of my future with her. We were a match set, she and I.... one came with the other as a package deal. Especially in 2009 when I was her primary caretaker in all ways from sunup to sundown (when I was a working student in Connecticut right out of college), she was my entire life and everything that it centered around. I've not made a major life decision in the past five years without majorly factoring her. She has influenced everything I have done. Life without her is like learning to walk all over again using different legs. Or possibly two legs instead of four... I'm not sure. Either way, it's awkward and uncomfortable and very, very sad. Time will work magic on all of this, as it always does, but it will take a long time.
I summed it up best when I described her as the cheese to my macaroni. With her, my horsey life had a very distinct flavor and personality, and without her I am just a bland bowl of vaguely soggy noodles without a sauce... incomplete. I know some other delicious flavor will come along - alfredo sauce, or spaghetti, or who knows what kind? - and will enrich and re-flavor everything. It will be a different flavor and a different dish entirely, but it will still be delicious and awesome. It will just take time.
Are you ready for the waterworks? Bre made this amazing video for us... don't watch this at work if you are emotionally inclined, because you will probably tear up. I know that I personally need to stop watching it, because even after like the 10th time I'm still BAWLING my eyes out every time.
And I cannot thank you guys all enough for the support you've given me. SO many e-mails, comments, calls, texts, and more have still been pouring in from all over the world, and I cannot tell you how amazing that has felt. Thank you all so much, seriously. Thank you.
Proving her heart of gold and guts of steel at the 2009 American Eventing Championships
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69.7%, Reserve Champion first time at First Level!
Encore H.T. 2008 - Gogo's first real event!
25 comments:
When you devote yourself to an animal like that, losing them is like losing a spouse or family member. Part of your identity is wrapped up in them. Those of us who have followed this blog for years have so admired your dedication and love for your horse.
I can't tell you how blue I was that day. We all lost a little something that day and now have to adjust to life without Gogo.
((((hugs))))
I thought about Gogo many times today. You are strong and dedicated to her, even now. Take care.
I've been thinking about you and Gogo all week. I don't think I could be as strong as you have been. Gogo forever lives in your heart and all of us who read about your journey. Healing takes time, but we're all here for you!
LOVE the video. It's so very....Gogo.
Cheese to your macaroni. I like it. She was a special girl.
You are so inspiring.
That video is just awesome. You are amazing
Lots of hugs from ATX, girlie.
Perfect analogy there Andrea!!
I'm glad to hear that you are ok and processing the grief well. <3
If it helps ANY, I find myself thinking of you and Gogo a lot...I can't imagine how much you do as well. I think taking time like you are to let it sink in, is a good idea....she was a memorable girl.
What a lovely video.
Big hugs xox
I don't read a woman in denial, I read a woman processing. It's one of the hardest decisions we make as horse owners, and it impacts us all very differently. Our horses are who we are. You are honouring your love and relationship with your beautiful mare, and that takes time, will take different shapes at different periods. But you and GoGo are always a team, even when parted.
I share your loss, and thank you for that sharing.
Peace and warmth across the ocean, and in horses.
Rich. Two lives spent together, never wasting a moment. It looks to me like Gogo enjoyed you and what she did. This was a portrait of a very wonderful and special relationship and the time you had together was rich. That's the word that came to mind after watching the video. Affer the death of a loved one, Love grieves, remembers, cherishes, and makes us stronger because our heart is full.
You will grieve for Gogo for a long time. And that's okay. I still grieve for Starman. Some horses remain a part of us forever. Don't rush the grief. Take the time you need.
Gogo was lucky to have an owner who was strong enough to make the best decision for her. You should be proud of yourself for putting aside your own emotions to help your dear friend leave without any further pain. I hope you do get another 'flavour' soon, because you are just the sort of person who ought to be an owner. Best, best wishes. xxx
You did what had to be done. It takes strength and courage to face that decision and stick with it. You will always have a part of her in your soul.
What a gorgeous video. Gogo, we love you; you will be dearly missed.
Yep, the video definitely brought the tears again. She was such a wonderful, amazing horse.
I can't believe she's gone. I will miss reading about your adventures with Gogo.....I can only imagine how deeply you miss her. It's so sad and tragic that she's gone way too soon. I'm sorry for your loss. The world is a lesser place without her in it. Bless you for doing right by her and may your path cross with another great horse who needs you. Sarah
A wonderful tribute to a glorious partner. You gave her w lifetime of memories an experience, her cup was overflowing. What a tremendous horse.
Take your time, you will know when it's time to lift your eyes and look beyond this moment.
My deepest sympathies. Beautiful video.
Oh Andrea, I'm so sorry to read this. :(
I have loved following you and Gogo, and have nothing but the highest respect for you as a horsewoman - now more than ever. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts...lots of hugs from out here in OR.
I wanted to share this quote with you.
"His heart had been broken. And now all these years later, it seemed to him that the most horrible fact of human existance was that broken hearts mended."
Time always does its trick and its always both a beautiful and horrible process. I wish you the best because I know your heart has been broken too and sometimes healing is the worst part. Sometimes you want it to keep hurting just so you remember their face longer.
If you ever need anything let us know.
What a wonderful video tribute. It shows a lot of smiles and happy times with you and your horse. Gogo would like for you to remember her that way. The fun times, making you laugh and the joy she brought you. Think of the things you learned with her, because of her and for her. She will always be in your heart and in your thoughts. Not a day goes by that the special ones aren't.
What a beautiful video of Gogo...thank you so much for sharing it with all of us. There is nothing wrong with taking your time and grieving! Just know that you did the best thing for Gogo and never second guess your decision. Hang in there.
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