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In Loving Memory...
~ Gogo Fatale ~


6/2/01 - 10/11/11
~ Forever the Marest of Them All ~
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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Snowballing

"A good man once said, death smiles upon us all... all we can do is smile back."



News on the Gogo front isn't good. This entire ordeal is unfortunately mid-snowball, and I am completely helpless against whatever happens to her between now and the end of it all. I arrived at the barn on Friday afternoon after work, and was alarmed to find that the swelling around the medial branch of her suspensory on the right hind was disturbingly larger than it had been (and it had been disturbingly large before), and that there was a new and noticeable sink to her step whenever she weighted the leg. The entire suspensory apparatus is failing, but I didn't think it was all going to happen this fast. I thought we would have a quiet couple of weeks left to enjoy the weather and our last bit of time together, but we may not have the luxury of that little bit of time any longer. The fetlock certainly isn't on the ground or anything, this is just the beginnings of it... but the fact that it is already happening is alarming and upsetting. I'm not ready yet. I'll never be ready.

However, that being said, it makes me feel reassured in my decision. There is no other way that this can be. There is no second guessing when you can see changes happening right before your eyes. All the hesitation and uncertainly disappears when right in front of you is a horse in noticeable pain. I have a single-minded determination to make this last little bit of time as comfortable and happy as possible, and then to give her the much-deserved relief and peace that she needs. It's the only way it can be, and she needs me to have a clear head about it.

I put her back out with her little herd of friends after much deliberation, but I think it will make her happiest. In the alleyway drylot, she had a bad habit of randomly spinning and galloping, not to mention the fact that she was alone and away from her friends. She is very happy to have her herd back, but the barn owner says that she is no longer bullying and chasing them at mealtimes. To me that says that she is feeling very poorly... she never misses an opportunity to be the boss. I just pray that she doesn't do anything silly in this painful interim before we set a final date. If she breaks down out there we will never be able to get her back to the barn. I could stall her but I am dead set against that unless I feel like it is the only way to keep her from complete collapse until the vet arrives. We're not at that point yet where I feel like I will have to do it, and I hope we don't ever get to that point. I want her to be able to walk with dignity to her end after a beautiful and peaceful final day, whenever it may be.


Her coat is starting to get darker in preparation for growing a winter coat. She never starts to get fuzzy until around November... it's sad to think things like that she'll never grow a winter coat again, and that she won't be here for Christmas.

She looked tired today. I'm tired too. I'm thankful that my choice is clear, but it doesn't ease the pain.








10 comments:

Now That's A Trot! said...

Nothing like some good ol' DCFC to get the waterworks going.


Hang in there. I know that waiting for That Day, even waiting to schedule it, is the worst. All the planning in the world doesn't make it easier.

♥ to you both

Dressager said...

My heart goes out to you. It's the worst feeling in the world, it feels so horribly ominous. But you are handling it so gracefully and being so strong for Gogo. Lots of love to both of you.

Jenny said...

Many heartfelt wishes for peace in that final transition. No words can express... I have been down that road before, and it just completely sucks. Take it one day at a time, and try to keep your chin up.

sally said...

XxX

Lacey said...

I think about you and Gogo everyday that I go and wrap my gelding's injured deep digital flexor. I merely hope that I am providing him with the level of care that you have provided Gogo over these years. I've been reading since her original injury and have watched as things have improved and worsened as each month passes. I only wish for you peace and closure as this day looms closer. You truly did all you could do and I believe that Gogo understands this the same as we all do. Love to you and Gogo as the next few weeks progress.

Lisa said...

I don't know what to say except I'm still thinking of you both.

Soon, you will finally get some peace too.

Kelly said...

One day at a time - it is so so hard, though. I know, without a doubt, that we made the right decision for Hennessy last Thursday. And I am starting to be able to breath again - you will too.

sarahskerik said...

I've been following you and Gogo for better than a year, and I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry you find yourselves in this situation and I hope that you will be able to take comfort in the fact that you have taken wonderful care of Gogo. The saying "You take their pain, and make it your own," eloquently sums up this final gift you'll give to Gogo. And, as Gretchen Jackson (Barbaro's owner) said, "Grief is the price we pay for love." It's a steep price, to be sure, but worth it.

Morgan said...

This post breaks my heart. I am so sorry that it has come to this. You are showing so much strength and grace throughout this ordeal. Please know that you and your girl are in so many peoples' thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

STB Eventer said...

I think of you and Gogo everyday. Hugs to you both. xxxx