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In Loving Memory...
~ Gogo Fatale ~

6/2/01 - 10/11/11
~ Forever the Marest of Them All ~

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Gogo Fatale 6/2/01 - 10/11/11

Somewhere in time's own space
There must be some sweet pastured place
Where creeks sing on and tall trees grow
Some paradise where horses go
For by the love that guides my pen
I know great horses live again.
~ Stanley Harrison

Today was a beautiful day to die.

The morning dawned bright and lovely. I was treated to the most lovely sunrise this morning as I fed horses, and knew it was going to be a glorious day weather-wise. I got out of work early at noon, and arrived at the barn carrying armfuls of carrots and apples. Before Future Hubs came to join us, I spent some time with Gogo and her man Leroy in the field, just stuffing them to the brim with carrots. They had some adorable Lady and the Tramp carrot-sharing moments, and they made me laugh.

After Future Hubs arrived, we spent more time just hanging around with Mami in the field, admiring how sparkling clean she was - I couldn't believe she stayed clean after her bath and didn't roll! Of course, as we were watching her talking about how clean she was, she decided that then and there she would find a nasty, filthy spot to roll on both sides in. She waited all night and all day just so she could do it in front of us! Oh, Gogo.
She also mugged us for our Sonic, and surprised me by eating my mozzarella sticks! She also kept going for our straws in our drinks, and ripped Future Hubs' straw right out of his drink when we weren't looking! We played tug of war for awhile with it, silly girl.

I groomed her until she sparkled. We found the only place in the entire state of Texas that had real grass, and she spent some time munching in the sunlight.

We also went for a nice walk. She perked up for a bit, and was happy to get out and move around a bit. She's been staying only in one spot for the past week or so in her field, and has been dull and listless. She was ready to go. After our little walk, I was ready too.

Once at the vet's, it was quick and quiet. There is a designated area behind the barns where they perform euthanasia on horses that can get there under their own steam, and we sedated her heavily ahead of time - something I am grateful for, given how violently Metro reacted. I told her I loved her as many times as I could, and kissed her goodbye. She was gone before she hit the ground.
I gave her one last kiss after she was gone when I was getting ready to walk away. The moment I touched her, she took one last huge involuntary breath. I know it was just a reflex, but somehow it meant something to me... like some part of her body knew it was me.

I took her tail, her forelock, a clipping from her hoof, and her halter home with me. In return, I left a huge part of my heart there with her. But it was the best last day a horse could have ever wanted. And for that, I will ever be forever grateful.

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of messages, texts, calls, e-mails, posts, and more that I've received in the past two days. Literally hundreds - HUNDREDS! - of people have sent their condolences, and hearing them and reading them have made me cry over and over. I cannot believe how many people's lives my sweet little crazy mare touched. Thanks to each and every one of you for all your heartfelt support and for being there for both us, during the good times and the bad. Life is a journey, and her presence in my life has molded me as a young adult. She's been such an integral part of my life, and she has left an enormous void behind her. I feel pretty awful tonight. I just can't believe it's all over.

You'll be hearing from me, I'm sure of that. This blog will remain up as homage to her, and at some point I will be starting a new blog for future adventures. Not yet, and I'm not really sure when, but it won't be long. Right now is a time for grieving, for remembering, and for celebrating a life come and gone far too soon.

Rest in peace, my sweet, beautiful, crazy, talented, wonderful mare. You're in my heart forever. I love you, now and always.


Anonymous said...

You are so strong, Andrea, and I am so sad for you. Rest in peace, Gogo. I wanted to share this poem, and I will link to it here:

Beckz said...

So sorry for your loss, it's horrible it came to this. Take strength in the knowledge the care you gave her was always the very best.

Kelly (ridegroomfeed) said...

What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful life - both this post and this entire blog. You did the very best by that horse. You are an inspiration, and my heart aches for you. Goodbye, Gogo.

Bif said...

Thank you for sharing with us. Goodbye, Gogo. An unlucky but still one of sthe luckiest hores, to be so well loved.

Many hugs Andrea, both this evening and in the the days to come. You did so right by her, and loved her so much.

Thank you.

Denali's Mom said...

Oh Gogo, Oh Andrea. I know I've said it, I know hundreds of other people have said it, but I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I haven't been able to keep you out of my mind. Run free Gogo.

I'm so glad that you had a good last day with her.

Mellimaus said...

This was a beautiful post. I've read your blog for awhile and I'm so so so sorry for your loss. You always tried to do what was best for Gogo... it's inspiring. I can't imagine the hurt you're going through, I love my mare to bits and I don't know what I would do without her. Rest in peace Gogo.

Jenny said...

This post was incredibly beautiful... and I am utterly impressed that you had it together enough to organize such a wonderful tribute! Relieved to hear she went so peacefully... but so saddened to read about your loss, the void left over.... the first few days after a death can be a terrible time.
But where one thing ends... another begins. We'll all be looking forward to hearing about your next adventure.

Trini said...

Thank you for sharing your and Gogo's life with us Andrea. I know this was a terribly difficult decision to make. I want to wish you all the best going forward and hope to hear your future adventures when you feel you can share.

Alanna said...

I'm so glad you guys had one final beautiful day. I thought of you often. Rest in peace Gogo. We are all here for you Andrea.

Snowhawk Przhevalsky said...

Thank you so much for sharing Gogo's life with us, and I know, once you've healed some from her loss (though I know it never fully heals...), and you have a new companion, I'll sign up for your new blog, to continue to follow your adventures there.

*big, giant hugs*

Ambivalent Academic said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and so glad that you had a last beautiful day with her, and that she had a peaceful exit. I don't know how to tell you how much I feel for you, and I know that nothing will really make it better. So many huge hugs to you.

The Thoroughbred Hunter Lady said...

"....many years ago, while I was agonizing over the decision to end the suffering of one of my beloved dogs, a very wise Vet spoke from her heart with words that gave me comfort during that very sad time. And, as such, years later, these words continue to help me when faced with difficult decisions or sad outcomes.

She penned the following words to me right after my dog passed on. She said, "Cathy, the animals in our lives depend on us to make the right decisions for them." And, as such, the moment I read those words, I suddenly found solace in the fact that I made a selfless decision for my dog. She depended on me to do so in every aspect of her days on earth as well as when her life was about to end, she truly trusted me to do what was right for her and somehow I found and still do find comfort in those thoughts.

I hope that sharing these humble words with you somehow manages to ease your pain,even if only for a moment. God Speed GoGo!

Katie said...

It seems like you had a lovely day together. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for letting us get to know her through your blog. I have done a post for both of you.

GunDiva said...

I'm glad she was able to have such a wonderful last day. I'm sure she thought she was in Heaven before she ever got there.

Even when you know it's the right thing to do, it's a horrible decision to have to make, but I'm glad you had the strength to do it and not allow her to suffer.

Hugs to you Andrea.

Leeshy-Lou said...

You are so strong, and what a lovely post.
Rest in Peace, Gogo. We'll all miss you.

Amy B said...

Every horse should be as lucky as Gogo was to have you. You gave her a dignified end to a beautiful life, and I think that's all any of us can hope for (for us and our horses alike).
"Life is eternal and love is immortal; And death is only a horizon, And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight." - Rossiter W. Raymond

Amy said...

What peaceful way for her to go. Sad and speechless...

juliette said...

I am so terribly sorry. Too painful for words. Please know I am thinking of you and your sweet mare.

Anonymous said...

This post brought tears to my eyes, I'm so glad you had this last beautiful day together. Run free Gogo. Love and hugs to you Andrea.

Laura said...

What a wonderful last day you guys had together... You are a strong lady - I don't know if I could have done all of that...

I'm so, so, sorry about Gogo. May she rest in peace.

Anonymous said...

Tried to comment the other day with no luck...hope this one will go through. I'm sorry for your loss, and wish you the best with whatever comes next. Take care.

eventer79 said...

No horse could ask for a better day than that. Hold her love in your heart and cherish your memories.

Melissa said...

Farewell, Gogo. You did right by her every day she was in your care, Andrea. Well done.

I'm glad to hear that you'll continue blogging. I've come to care about you as a friend, and I enjoy hearing about your adventures. I'll be here when you're ready.

Joanne (Jo) L. Belasco, Esq. said...

Every horse should have as wonderful a human friend as you were to Gogo. **hugs** Take care of yourself right now, Andrea, and I look forward to reading about your new adventures.

Abbie said...

This post made me cry for Ernie all over again. It still hurts: it will always hurt, but you have been so strong through this, Andrea. Any horse of yours will be so lucky, as Gogo was. :)

Marissa said...

I know how difficult this post must have been to write, but it is truly a beautiful homage to such an amazing creature. You and Gogo will be in all of our thoughts and prayers. She was a very special mare, and I join in everyone's gratitude that you shared her story with us. Take care of yourself.

Kristen Eleni Shellenbarger said...

You are so strong, it's quite admirable. I think you chose the very best way for her to go; in dignity, without suffering, and with you there loving the shit out of her.
Kudos for that.
She will be missed but remembered. It was through your blog that we all got to know and love Gogo, so thank you for sharing her.

slwtwist said...

Godspeed Gogo. Blessing to you both, Andrea. Thank you for letting into your lives.

Yankecwgrl said...

Andrea - words cannot express your sorrow, I'm sure. Take your time, grieve, be mad, be sad. Don't let anyone else tell you it shouldn't bother you, or you should be 'over it' by now.
The best choices are sometimes the hardest to make. Putting GoGo's needs before your need to keep her was a wonderful gift for GoGo, and I know she is grateful.
I look forward to your next adventure, when you are ready to take it.

Barbara said...

So glad you had some good time together on her last day. Many of us bloggers said goodbye to Gogo in our own way. Here is mine:

Jenn said...

A lovely, fitting tribute to your girl. I cry with you and ache for you. Thank you, Andrea, for sharing...and thank you, Gogo, for being you.

Renee said...

I wrote a little tribute to Gogo on my blog, but right now, I just want to express my condolences to you, Andrea. You have been so strong through all of this, and I admire you for it. Gogo couldn't have asked for a better human.

RIP Gogo.

SprinklerBandit said...

Sounds like a lovely day together. I'm happy she's at peace now--may you find some, too.

achieve1dream said...

I can't believe it's all over. Sorry I wasn't here sooner to give my condolences.

It looks like Gogo had a wonderful last day filled with the people and things she loves. I'm glad her pain is gone, I just wish there was something I could do for yours.

You and Gogo were such an amazing team and I know she loved you and had a great life because of you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

in2paints said...

I'm so sorry for your loss of Gogo. She was sweet and wonderful and she had to leave this Earth far too soon. May she rest in peace and may you remember the amazing times you had together.

Checkmark115 said...

I can't believe she is gone.

My heart hurts for you, and my eyes cry for you.

Kelly (3rd comment) said it best.

Veronica Lodge said...


Eat your heart out in horsey heaven.


Tori and the boys.


Longtime lurker, but I'm so compelled to comment. Andrea, you did EVERYTHING possible for your precious Gogo, and don't believe for a second that she didn't know it. Our horses understand when we're trying to help them, even if we aren't successful. I know you're hurting, but now Gogo doesn't have to. You did the bravest thing there is.

Ashleigh said...

Farewell Gogo. Andrea, it's amazing how many people you and your crazy wonderful Gogo have touched. I'm glad to hear that you'll keep blogging.

L. Michelle said...

Dear Andrea,
I have been following your blog for what seems to be over three years. I was definitely following it before Gogo's injury. You don't even know me but I have a HUGE amount of respect for you, and because of you, all five of my horses are barefoot. You, Gogo, Metro and Quincy have taught me so much and you are SUCH an inspirational person. I have cried, laughed, and shaken my fists at this blog. I have been particularly inspired with all of your posts about being gay. Never have I felt so moved to stand by what I believe and what I feel. As Gogo's injury became clear that it would be degenerative, I did as much research as I could about tendons and tissues. Because of you I take far better care of my horses than anything. I don't just trust what a trainer says. Four of my horses live outside 24/7 and one (my competition horse, boarded in the midst of Houston, TX) has 24/6. You are an amazing person and Gogo was an amazing horse. R.I.P. Gogo.

P.S. Texas has been receiving short bouts of rain in my area (Chappell Hill and Houston) so I also hope you get some too.

Jennifer said...

Many, many (((((HUGS)))))). I'm so sorry.

Val said...

Goodbye Gogo.

You are an exemplary horsewoman. She knew it was you. You were always and always will be her human.

Val and Harley

Jenna said...

I am so sorry Andrea. You and gogo are a cute and wonderful team. You might think she is gone but she isn't she is looking down at you galloping around her her mom and dad!<3 stay strong!

Leah said...

I am so sorry. RIP Gogo :(

Ruffles said...

R.I.P Gogo. You touched many lives.
Gogo had a great life and a great ending - she was happy.
You did the best thing for her and I know she'll apprecaite it. I wish I could say something that would take all your pain away, but remember there are people greiveing with you, you aren't alone.

Natalie said...

Farewell Gogo, you will be missed, we love you! (and your mum!)

Kate said...

RIP sweet mare.

Christine said...

Just like everyone else I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong and selfless person for doing what you did. I wish there were more horsey people out there like you! Keeping you in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I like Christine's description of you. Strong and selfless is perfect.

I know I said this on FB already, but I'm going to say it here too. I'm happy that you and Gogo got to spend such a beautiful last afternoon together. I know that will be one of the most precious memories you have until your last day.

You took better care of Gogo than most humans take of their own children, and no doubt that Gogo knew exactly that.

I'm so sorry Andrea.

That last breath was to tell you she was comfortable.

A moment of silence on my blog:

RuckusButt said...

It was a beautiful day to die here too and I thought of Gogo and you.

You did a good thing and now get to have the pain of having the blessing/curse of being able to make that call. At times, I've thought this position was worse because it always gave us room to play the "what ifs" while at the same time being grateful we could end their suffering.

But you did everything you reasonably and ethically could for your mami mare. And that is heroic. As is being strong enough to put her ahead of yourself.

My heart goes out to you Andrea.

I am also glad you will keep sharing your adventures. Because of this blog, the world knew Gogo and for that she will always live on.

Breathe said...

We are here for you,
my distant friend.
We hold your hand in the darkened forest
as you lead your companion one last time.

We tie white feathers into the mane,
to help speed the flight for this final journey.

We stand with you,
at the edge of that forest,
as your companion steps into that open meadow,
surrendering at last the limits of this place,
free now,
finally free.

We walk with you,
along the meadow,
stealing glimpses of your noble, dear one,
running along side on the edge of the horizon,
leaping hills, mountains, cloud banks, and then,
into the golden eye of the sun.

And we stay with you in the silence,
for you are never alone,
and with you,
we remember.

Dearest Gogo, we will treasure your story always

(I have it on good authority that here are mozzarella sticks on the other side...)

Anonymous said...

My heart is breaking. If I can be so moved by the loss of a horse who I've only read about, I cannot even imagine what you're going through. I am so, so sorry.

My favourite words of condolence come from Sonya Fitzpatrick, "Pet Psychic": "We never get over them, we just get used to living without them." May you find peace as you get used to living without Gogo.

Angelina said...

I've been visiting your blog every now and then for a long time, and i'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet, little Gogo. It's so hard to let them go, and you're so strong for doing the right thing. I cry with you, and i'm thinking of you.

Jill said...

I have thought about you and Gogo every single day - but almost all day yesterday. I know that you have been questioning yourself, why couldn't you save her? I don't see it that way....I think you set her free. My heart hurts so for you and the loss of your lovely wonderful mare. I know we don't know each other, but I've been reading for a long time...and I've been crying for you along with everyone else.

Please leave this blog up and open, it's the most wonderful tribute to a larger-than-life mare. My condolences to you, as well as all that hugs I can send to Texas.


Jeni said...

I'm so incredibly sorry you've had to make such heart breaking decisions. I admire your ability to do the best by your beautiful mare.

You're love for Gogo shown through in your writings, smiles and pictures. Peace will come knowing you did the absolute best for her up to the very end.

sweetbay said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with Gogo with us. You are a talented writer and your love for Gogo always shone through in your posts.

Godspeed beautiful mare.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry - there are no words of comfort at a time like this. I'm glad you were able to give her a good last day - that will always be a good memory to go with all the other good memories you have of her.

Margaret said...

I regret not finding this blog sooner. Yes, it is a tearful outcome, but not a tearful life. She was treasured and loved and her memory lives on. Sounds almost perfect to me.

You have a lot to offer another lovely horse and I'm sure, when the time is right, everything you learned with Gogo will make you a better horsewoman. You see, her spirit will live on.

Jessica said...

What a beautiful last day you were able to spend with Gogo. If only all horses could have their last moments be so peaceful and happy.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Rest in peace Gogo.

Jessica said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. It's very hard to make that decision for your heart horse. I hope when the time comes that I have to do the same that I can be as strong as you. May gogo be galloping above with all the angels.

Grey Horse Matters said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Gogo. She sounds like the most wonderful mare. It's always hard to say goodbye to our friends. You shared a touching last day you will always remember. She'll never be out of your heart.

Do Not Stand At My Grave
By Mary Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

STB Eventer said...

Hugs to you Andrea. Thank you for sharing Gogo with us through your blog. I admire you in many ways and am glad to know you will continue to blog. Rest in peace, Gogo.

Tara said...

So very sorry on the loss of your beautiful, beautiful mare.. I hope the bright times you have had with her shine through the darkness of your grief....