At this point, honestly, I have nothing to lose. I have about a 50-50% shot at a real show season this year, so I'm not about to get my hopes up and stress about a set timeframe that I will need to have certain goals accomplished by. Certainly as time wears on, I will be able to better see where we stand and what we might be able to do, but I do enough worrying about her already. I might as well just step back and take it day by day, and celebrate the small victories instead of worry about the big things that may or may not come to pass.
I have to say, it's completely odd to not have a daily training schedule, monthly goals, and a set-in-stone season already planned and laid out before me (even though, secretly, I DO have my hypothetical show season already planned... don't tell!). You all know how obsessive I am with my goals and how hard I try to achieve them. Not having them is leaving me with a giant void, and in all honesty making me a little bit lazy. I'm not really sure what to do with this extra time. Since the weather is disgusting and I have zero interest in being out in a cold February rain, I've been spending a lot of time indoors, getting bored but not having a lot of things to really keep me occupied. Not having serious horsey goals I am striving with all my heart to reach has done a few good things for me - seriously opened up my social schedule for one, which is nice - but I don't really know that it's a worthy exchange. I feel a bit lost, not being certain of my upcoming season. It's not like me to not know what I'm doing with my horse every day, and what I'm trying to accomplish day in and day out. Every day is different this month... one day she's fine, the next she's not. Whether or not I actually DO accomplish all those daily goals is beside the point - I have something I'm working hard for, every single day. When these goals center around my horse's healing abilities, well.. all I can do is put her in the best and most healing environment that I can, and then it's out of my hands.
It's good for me to take the pressure off and relax just a little. But I'd rather be doing it under different circumstances, ones that I decide for myself.
Just feeling a little bit of the Februarys, I suppose.
But. Despite all that, I haven't give up hope. Despite all that, I still have my show schedule laid out perfectly before me, and am dreaming of the 'what-ifs'. What if she continues to improve and never looks back from here on out? What if we both defy the odds and make a great comeback despite all the obstacles ahead of us? What if all the stars align and this is our year, REALLY our year?
I keep hoping. You never know. Sometimes things just work out. Sometimes they don't. Taking things one day at a time is hard for me, but I'm learning to just go with the flow a little more. I still have the best happy and healthy mare on the planet when it all comes down to it, and really, can I actually ask for more beyond that?
Gogo says, woman get on me and let's go ride already!