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In Loving Memory...
~ Gogo Fatale ~

6/2/01 - 10/11/11
~ Forever the Marest of Them All ~

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Completely weird.

I had a completely weird experience today, which I am not happy about. I swapped my regular Wednesday off so I could have this Saturday off instead, in preparation for the Area I Annual Meeting. For whatever reason, I woke up in a funk. I've been sick for almost two weeks now, with no sign of improving, and I struggle with wintertime anyway, so I wasn't surprised. I battled my way through the miserable arctic weather while cleaning stalls this morning, went back and forth about whether or not I really wanted to go to the meeting, decided not to go, then decided at the last second that I really DID want to go. I went all the way up there, found the place after getting repeatedly lost (Springfield is a GPS black hole), got to the meeting, and was suddenly overwhelmed with the prospect of my total alone-ness. People all around me were calling out to each other, embracing, talking animatedly to people they hadn't seen in a long time, and all sitting down together in their little groups at round tables. I wandered around, looking for a friendly face, anyone I knew. Nope, nobody. Not a single person. I felt very much like I was walking in on somebody's family holiday party, a total stranger amongst a huge group of friends. It was weird, and uncomfortable, though it was certainly no one's direct doing. Those of you who have met me know that I don't even know what being socially awkward means for the most part. I'm that weird person that just walks up to total strangers and introduces myself and makes new friends, it's just what I do. I've always been that way, I don't really get why people have trouble making friends or starting conversations because I never do. But for some reason, today I felt like I was interrupting. There were so many people seeing others that they hadn't seen in so long, and I just... wasn't a part of that. I felt weird, like I shouldn't be there. So... I left.

In retrospect, I'm really not sure what came over me. I've been feeling really weird about my ex-fiancee and missing her quite a lot, and I think that had a large part to do with it. She always came with me to things like this, and without her around it's been like a giant black hole when it comes to things like shows and banquets and travel and whatnot. I also felt kind of dirty, like I don't deserve the Year-End awards I'm supposed to be getting. I mean, my last act of the season was to break my horse, why should I get recognized for that? That's clearly not the actual case, but I feel odd about accepting awards in front of people when I clearly don't deserve them.

Have you ever felt weird about stuff like that? I've never in my life had that kind of an experience. Maybe I'm just having an off day.

But, in other news, I am happy to report that Gogo went on her first "hack"! It wasn't much, just a little wander around the barn on flat ground for about 10 minutes, but it was outside and it was very enjoyable. She was very quiet and happy to be out, and we even went over and looked at the little XC jumps that we have on the property:

I'm hoping to integrate a little "hack" into our daily workweek. I think it'll be very good for her brain to get out and just meander a little bit. Once she starts trotting for 15 minutes (this coming Thursday), we can start to add incline work on the treadmill, so I also hope with the vet's blessing to start walking up tiny little hills again sometime soon.

I dunno what's gotten into me today. But little hacks and things like that seem a lot more important to me nowadays than awards.


Sam said...

Andrea, I'm sorry you felt that way at the the meeting, and you definitely shouldn't feel bad about accepting the awards you deserve! You really didn't "break" GoGo; it was an accident. I know you know that, but sometimes you need to hear it a lot from other people until you 100% believe it. Don't feel guilty over something you couldn't have seen coming. GoGo is so lucky to have someone like you who waits on her every need and cares so intensely for her. You're doing everything right by her and I'm sure she loves you for it :) I hope your funk leaves you soon; you definitely don't deserve to be in one. ;) Chin up, winter will be over before you know it!

Albigears said...

Bummer about the award banquet, but I know how you feel. I personally get emotionally depressed when I get sick, especially if it lasts for more than a week. It is something that will pass, though, and hopefully your funk will pass with it.
AND... You didn't break Gogo! Quit it!

Heather said...

Unlike you, I am socially awkward... and I know how painful something like that can feel. It is probably fine that you left, it seems that you have already realized what is the most important thing about having a horse. It isn't about breed recognition, event recognition, or peer recognition. It is about the journey. And right now, your journey is taking a different turn than you had expected. But you are doing everything humanly possible to take care of your horse. I mean, come on... who else gets to rehab their horse on a treadmill. You have really put your everything into the journey- no matter what turn it took. Good for you.

Melissa said...

Welcome to the world of social anxiety! Doesn't it suck? I've had experiences just like that many times. It's too awkward, you're nervous, you can't talk, you can't deal, so sometimes you just leave. I try to force myself to stick it out, since it's an ongoing thing and indulging my worries does NOT make them better next time, but in your case it sounds fairly harmless. Between being sick and a pretty serious breakup, it's not surprising that you're socially off kilter. Don't beat yourself up for it, you'll bounce back, I promise.

Unless 'being in a funk' starts becoming a regular thing, I wouldn't worry. (If it does, please talk to your doctor. There's lots of stuff that can be done.) Rest up, heal up, and hug Gogo. :-)

manymisadventures said...

Man, I understand how you feel! I got sick the week of Christmas, it mostly went away, then I got sick AGAIN yesterday and there's no end in sight. Ugh.

I'm sorry you felt so left-out at the meeting. Sounds like you're just in a funk from being sick in the middle of winter, yeah? You've been on a long road with this Gogo-rehab. It makes sense that you'll get bummed out sometimes, but keep your chin up. We're all here for you :)

Paigeley said...

two words:
and ice cream

take a long shower, read you favorite book, and just pamper yourself. Always works for me
and you didn't break gogo!!

Stacey said...

Awwww, sorry Andrea. That sucks. Sometimes you just get into those weird moods. Hopefully yours clears up soon! And I hope you feel better. Take your vitamins!!

That's great that you and Gogo got out and about :) I'm sure she's relieved!!

And...YOU did NOT break your horse!! Stop saying that! You deserve your awards!! You earned them. Gogo's injury was a complete ACCIDENT!

Katherine Erickson said...

Hi Andrea, I just responded to your comment on my blog, but I wanted to say again that I'm so sorry you had a bad time! I definitely AM one of those horribly shy awkward people... and I'm just taking a guess that a lot of other horse folks are too. I've always thought that a lot of people get good at talking to horses because they can't talk to other people. I definitely know that's true for me.

BUT THAT'S SO EXCITING ABOUT GOGO! In the long run, a year end award or any other ribbon is just a 5¢ piece of satin. It doesn't really matter at all compared to the larger journey you're having with your horse. It's nice to be recognized for your hard work (and you have worked hard and DO deserve recognition - accidents happen, you did not 'break' Gogo), but it's not anywhere near the best part of having a horse that you're training yourself.

SassySki said...

Frist of all, you DIDN'T break Gogo! Things happen. And you deserved the award! Just because you had a mishap doesn't mean you didn't earn it. Gogo is back on the right track and doing fine. Hang in there and you dont need someone by your side to have confidence. Look at all you do, daily, there is no way you would accomplish all you do if you were not a smart, confident person. Bad days happen, hang in there girl!

Ashleigh said...

Just think of how many people out there would go "my horse needs THAT long and THAT much work to heal? Screw it, we're selling her." You derserve an award for all you're doing with GoGo.

Dressager said...

You didn't "break" Gogo. You're there for every beckoning. You spoil her! I find that if you take your head out of the past and put it in the future and look at what you will do instead of what you didn't, things just look so much more positive! Sorry about the rough time, wish I could do more to help :)

Mellimaus said...

You didn't break Gogo! Ashleigh had a good point; my trainer got a perfectly good (err...GREAT) horse for eventing next season at the end of this season because he had a suspensory injury in spring and the old owner simply didn't want to wait for him to get you're doing a great job!...although, you are in any case.:P

Wiola said...

Hmm, that's how I feel at 99% of any social events of this sort I have to be at so I can totally sympathise

As to not deserving the awards and breaking Gogo...I might be totally wrong but I reckon injuries are just bread and butter of any sportsman and any sports horse. Some get them more than others. Some get noticed quicker than others.
I personally always feel guilty if I haven't noticed a sign of a weakness or a problem in any horse I ride or look after. However, I think we all got to forgive ourselves for not being perfect. Removing the feeling of guilt doesn't mean you don't care. I doubt anyone feels better for feeling guilty, it doesn't help to improve or change things.

I would say, have a nice cuddle with Gogo and move on. You both deserve your awards. And you will get more.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Yankecwgrl said...

So sorry you are feeling so down! I must have missed the post where your fiancee became your ex - fiancee. Sorry to hear about that too. That is a big bummer I'm sure....but I'm sure that you will BOUNCE BACK in NO TIME! :)

Akhal-Eventer said...

I wouldn't feel weird about the meeting. . .who knows, maybe the place was just full of bad vibes and you were the only one who intuitively picked up on them! It sounds like your immune system could use a boost. Amrita gave me some stuff that she calls "The STINKY" and really smells & tastes completely awful. . .but works! She gets it from her naturopath and it's a tincture of echinacea/goldenseal/myrrh. She swears by it. . .and I recently used it every day on a trip to Colorado where everyone was getting sick, and I came home without a single sniffle.