Wondering what we've been up to?

Once in awhile I get folks commenting on here asking where we have been and what we've been up to. D'oh! I haven't recently put up a link to the combined blog! 

Come follow our adventures at Project Runaway: The Uncatchable Number 257! Pangea, Imogen, and recent addition O-Ren are all waiting to entertain you! Three crazy mares all together at one time? What is better than that!

One Year.

((Crossposted to The Continental Drift and Project Runaway))
I am struggling to find the words to begin this post. I've been sitting in front of the computer for a listless hour, unable to find a good place to start, so I suppose I'll just launch into it bluntly: today is the one year anniversary of Gogo's death. There, I have a start... perhaps now the words will come more freely. I feel very much like I've been stoppered up for the past year. When she died, the poetry just went clean out of me. 
I'm not entirely sure of where the past year has gone. It seems like October 11th of 2011 was such a long time ago, but I can't hardly remember what has happened in the past year to make it so distant. Twelve months into this grieving process, I don't feel better and I don't feel like myself still, but it has taken this long for me to realize that I am not the same without her, and life is not, and will never be, the same either. It isn't that life is now somehow less or is badly off, because everything else is filled with good things. It's just completely different, without anything else actually having changed. I am still with Future Hubs, I still have all the same critters, still have the same job, still am living here in Texas. Those things are all as wonderful as they have been. It is just me that is different... I am not the same as I was. Losing Gogo was a bit like someone forcefully cutting me in half and tossing one half of me back out into the world to keep going. It is very confusing trying to relearn how to live your life when half of everything you value and love is suddenly gone one day. You can prepare for it, if you know it is coming. You can ready yourself, steel yourself, prepare to lose it, surround yourself with loved ones, or push them all away just the same. It doesn't matter what you do, because you won't know how it really feels until it happens. Then, and only then, will you realize just how thoroughly unprepared you were to live on through unthinkable tragedy.
I know it sounds extreme. Honestly, just putting it out in writing sounds like I survived a war instead of just lost a horse. But those of you with horses in your life - probably most or all of you, I am assuming - know how much they affect you, and those of you who have lost them will understand. To those who haven't yet, I don't wish it upon you, but that day will come. On that day, you too will stand with me and feel that horror and pain and sorrow, and will still know in your heart that life is better having had and lost them rather than never having known them at all. But you'll never be the same again.
Not a day goes by when I don't think of her. Hardly a week passes when some memory, picture, or video doesn't make me sob like a baby or ache with sorrow. How could they not, when so much of my life revolved around her? She defined me as a young adult, molded and changed and shaped me into the person I am today, and her loss affected me just as hard as her life did. I am different now, and I will never be the same.
Having Pangea and Imogen in my post-Gogo life has been a very strange, exciting, sad, and wonderful journey. It has really only been in the past month that I have actually started to feel better and more at peace with Gogo's loss, and that is all thanks to working with Imogen. I love and cherish P, and am so glad to have her in my life, but she is happiest when left to her own devices. She likes me well enough, I am sure, but she'd rather be left alone, and we haven't bonded in the strong and inseparable way that Gogo and I had. Imogen and I, on the other hand, bonded immediately and very hard, and we have our own dynamic that is very different from the one she shares with every other horse and human in her life. Something about working with her and the promise of giving her a brand new life is incredibly healing to the heart. Pangea has never known anything except for a life of cookies and love at best, and a big field with giant mounds of hay and no humans to bother her except for regular maintenance at worst. Imogen has known cruelty and pain, and to see her look at me with trust and love, and choose to seek me out over spending time at her haypile with her friends, is truly rewarding. This, more than anything, has kick started me onto the healing track. Life truly works in strange ways, and I'm not sure I'll ever be old or wise enough to understand them.
I'm still hurting. I'm still sad. I'm still not sure that I'll ever really be at peace with what happened. But I am grateful for every moment of the five years I had with her, and she will always be in my heart. 
A moment of silence now for Gogo, who took her last breath at 4:15pm last year.

   
There simply are not words for how badly she is missed. I love you, Gogomare.

9/11.

Reposted from last year: 9/11, a Tribute



Never forget.


In exactly one month, Gogo will have been gone for an entire year.

Today is Gogo's birthday.

Today would have been Gogo's 11th birthday. While I am understandably incredibly depressed about the fact that she died so young, I spent a little time today reminiscing on her past birthday celebrations, and thought I'd share some memories of her yearly birthday cake and subsequent cake-snarfing sessions.

Age 7...





Age 8...





Age 9...






and Age 10....





Bittersweet, yes. But there's an emphasis on the sweet for sure.

Quincy, 8 years later.

May 3rd marked the 8-year anniversary of Quincy's death. Are the words for how time flies so much faster the further you get away from an event? At this point it seems like such a sad, distant memory. He's been gone for so long... sometimes it feels like just yesterday, sometimes it feels like an eternity. Will it feel like this years from now for Gogo? I don't know.

Go pay some tribute to his memory, and read a little bit more about him. He was truly an angel, and I owe so much to him. I'll forever be grateful for his love.

Tributes to Quincy



I'll always miss you, Fuzzman.



If you haven't been following along with Bay Girl and Pangea, come check them both out!

Pangea's Blog!

Those of you who were reading Project Runaway know this already, but my new mare is here! Follow her journey at:

The Continental Drift: A Piece of a Heart Horse Comes Home

It's still under construction, seeing as I hardly have any pictures of her yet. But it will be fancy soon, I promise! ;)


And as a special treat, here's an old picture and video of Gogo in the AquaTread, the only time she was able to go:





March 11th, the day before my birthday, will mark five months since her passing. I can't believe it's been nearly half a year already. I'm still not okay about it either. I'm not sure I ever will be.

Happy New Year... and another gift!

Look, another gift! Gogo's Wall of Fame grows larger yet! :D

This portrait comes from Kat, fellow blogger and an old friend of mine. This one is already in the mail and I can't wait to see it in person!





Kat also did this portrait of Gogo a few years ago, back when she was still competing and sound... the original has been long since lost but the digital remains!




If anyone still has portraits of Gogo that haven't yet been sent, you should totally send them! Future Hubs and I are moving next month and I want to make fully sure that he is assaulted by memories of Gogo every time he opens his eyes and walks anywhere in the house. Oh wait, maybe that's me that wants that... details! ;)


Happy New Year to everyone.... 2011 has definite ups and downs, the lowest clearly being the loss of Gogo..... I am still hurting badly over the loss and not a day goes by that I don't miss her terribly. But with every passing moment, it gets a little easier to breathe. I still need time - a lot of time - but I am hopeful that 2012 will bring better things. I head up to see Sophie in ONE WEEK..... wish me luck!! And keep reading up on Bay Girl... she's coming along so magnificently!


Happy New Year!!!

Mare-y Christmas 2011!

Gogo and I want to wish everyone Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas!

And Metro and Quincy deserve a special Christmas spot here too:

I know I post something similar every year, but my oh my how time flies, and how we change.

Happy and safe holidays to everyone. Thank you all for all your support this past year, and may all your 2012 hopes, goals and dreams come true.

Two months ago today.

Can't hardly believe it... but Gogo has been gone for two months as of today.
Christmas is going to be very strange without her.
I finally cleaned out my horse trailer from top to bottom... I had been completely avoiding it simply because I didn't even want to look at her stuff. I feel better now that I did it though.

I know I've posted this before, but I wanted to share it one more time. This is Gogo's dressage at Groton House H.T. in 2009.... we won this event on our dressage score of 31.5. Definitely one of the most memorable and best weekends of that entire year.



I might upload some more old videos of her in the near future, things I've not posted before.... I'll have to sort through my footage and see what I can find!

The Collective Gift!

The gift that Denali's Mom organized is finally here!!

Many of you remember way back in November of last year when Denali was set to be euthanized, and I took collections for a present for Denali's Mom. A miracle happened - Denali got better - and she is still happy and healthy and around today. We took the donation money and had an awesome portrait of Denali commissioned, and needless to say she loved it. And now, when it is my turn to mourn and grieve, Denali's Mom led the charge (along with a few others!) and took collections from readers and fellow bloggers for a gift for me so I too could have something to remember my crazy mare by.

The gift arrived today in the mail...








Lynn Mazer crafted this absolutely stunning quilt, complete with my favorite pictures of Mami all over it (they had me pick them out before I even knew what the gift was!). My cats were all over it the second I put it on the bed for pictures... it even started a catfight between Mimi and Jasper because both wanted to sleep in the same spot!
The second half of the gift was an enormous check so that I could take tailhair that I saved from Gogo and make it into whatever I want from my favorite horsehair place, Pony Locks. I already have two of their necklaces, one from Quincy and one from Metro... and they are still holding up to MUCH use and abuse on my part years and years later! I'll have another necklace made for Gogo. I'm sure it will withstand many more years of excessive wear and tear on my part, and still look beautiful way down the road.



I cannot thank you all enough for this gift. The generosity everyone has shown is just mind-blowing, and I don't even know what to say except thank you. Thank you. Thank you. A million times, thank you. You don't have any idea how much this means to me. I love you all.